I recently had a chat with an ex-girlfriend over the internet.
As you do,you tend to limit yourself conversation with the "how are yous,hows life and what have you been up tos" and usually the chat lasts for about six to ten minutes and then you say your 'goodbyes and stay wells'.
But she happened to have more to say than just the salutation because she interupted me and abruptly refered to me as a liar,and she went on and on about how much shes kept track of all the conversations shes had with me over the number of years we'd been together.So then i could not help but persist she tells me all these "lies" that allegedly define who i am.She said i was never serious with her when we dated; that i only ever made an effort to sit on the 3 hour train journey to go and visit her whenever i wanted 'something'; that i said i never had any female friends; and that i insisted that she relocates nearer to me so we can make our 'relationship' work;she also expressed her unhappiness when she heard that i was actually seing someone else even though we'd been apart for atleast 2 years.For the gentleman that i am,i felt sorry for the grudge she held for me because not only was she angry that i had moved on,she also had not got over my sexy self.At this point,i new where she was going but most importantly were she was coming from.But did i care?
In all my growing up years,i learned that whenever i dated,more times than not,the female would know what i was up to,usually,i only wanted sex.And the female specie is pretty good at identifying that b'coz they can play the hard-to-get game longer than an impala runs away from the Cheater,Need i say more!So then i ask all the Men and Women; when a man takes a 3hr train journey to see a woman,does he or does he not just want sex? when he tells her he does not have any other female friends,isn't he just saying its none of your business? or when he phones her at 1am and tells her to get ready b'coz he's going to pick her up only coz she lives down the road from his,I ask,isn't that a booty call?My ex on the other hand was convinced that we were dating,that we were in a strong bond and that i should never have run away with someone else in the end.She was convinced that LOVE was were we were bound.But then the principles of my teenage years prevailed,that a booty-call will always be just that and that the woman you'll marry will have to be hand-picked from different circles...

*************************************





My papa was always working,so one day i locked myself in his car in the morning so he could not go to work.As a child,the message i was trying to put across was, am tired of not seing you!


He pleaded for me to open the door so he could get to work.I looked into his eyes and i believed him when he told me he'd take me with him.I quickly opened the door,he simply picked me and placed me into ma's hands and off he went.i never saw him until the next day,again,only for 5minutes before he left to go to work.


I carried on,constantly seeking to spend time with him.I adored him,i loved his cars and fancy suits.


But when i got older,i faught with him more than i wanted to spend time with him.As a teenager my experiments,as you'd expect, did not yield the best conclusions.Therefore,he crashed me with his citicism.He shouted,he got angry but he was always patient to sit me down whenever he was telling me off.He was a real father.He was well informed,abandant knowledge,fun and had lots of charisma.I realised i liked these things about him if we weren't fighting.We'd sit and he'd tell me all about the do's and don'ts and his growing up days...We were close so much that we played a game called "knock knock".
He'd knock on my bedroom door and when i ask whose there,i'd hear his voice on the other side of the door say "its me".He'd ask what am up to,and more often than not,my asnwer would be nothing,he'd suggest i give him a hand in the garden and thats how we'd kick off a conversation. After which he'd give me spending money.I'd catch the bus to go up town and meet my mates.I usually borrowed his cell phone so alot girls adored me,typical african atitude.
Every morning he'd knock on my door even if its just to ckeck if am in.He'd refer to me as the man of the house and he always told me to pay attention to my sisters.He said they would one day rely on me so it was important that i understand their needs.He once told me that if he died,my Mom would look up to me,so would my sisters.

Reality hit me when that knock never came.
I knew i had to grow up but some how i was not worried because my old man had prepared me for the moment.True to his word,my shoulders were loaded with responsibility but the guidance he'd given was enough to carry me through. However,i was some how angry with him,i'd wake up half way where i'd dreamt that he was knocking on my door and i was just about to ask "whose there?" This went on for a while.I'd hear a voice on the back of my mind asking "whose there,whose there,whose there"..so one day i woke screaming " I am".

The when i grow up dream

The sound of my alarm at 7am every morning is a signal of the begining of my 15 hour long day.The grin on my face as soon as i open my eyes is because of my daughter whose reason it is i go and congregate at the office to pretend i love what i do when infact,its its the last day of the month i look forwad to more than anything else.I don't mind coz its all for a cause,a good one.My intention however is not to be Rupert Murdoch or Richard Branson but i like to tell myself that people like me have to work for the things that we want.So,for those close to my heart,i do it for them.Call me whatever you like,selfless or provider,i fit the bill.I work, and i work really hard.

You may have heard the phrase "behind every successful man theres a bla bla bla...",well,lets just say that the woman who said "i do" does take a fair share of the credit here.I come home to a clean house,well cooked dinner,my daughter jumping up and down as if shes been on a happy-pill,clothes clean and ironed and most significant,even the finances put in order.I'd be stupid not to finish the sentence as follows,"i work really hard b'coz of the woman in my life".

Don't hate on me coz this isn't a dig at you for being single,gay or straight.Its not to point out what you're missing either.I think if you have something good going on in your life,its highly likely that another thing won't be going as good,can't have it all.

Thats why it hurts me now coz growing up i used to dream big.I never gave the common answer,Policeman or Fireman when i get asked the classic question,"what do you wanna be when you grow up"?Instead i chose to shut up coz the young little mind i had could not explain the maginitude of the dreams i had.

I drew inspiration from my old man to whom am a reflection,persistant,goal-getter,wounded,black and handsome.He like many old folks in their growing up days,set himself goals which he archieved,fulfilled his ambitions and took the time to sit back and say " i did it".

Thats what the difference is.I can only console myself that am stil young and i have plenty of time to reach my pinacle.True to fact,but time is running out,so is the dream.Am busy working really hard to increase my pay cheque but in doing so i have forgotten to follow the dream that defines who i am and what i believe in.